What do expectations have to do with integrity? In short, everything. Not only do leaders have a moral obligation to make sure that their teams know what is expected, but it’s also critical in maintaining their own wholeness. (Yes, that’s the second definition of integrity.)

Let’s start with a personal example.

When I married my husband, I made a promise to him. “You’ll never have to guess what I want. I’ll tell you.” That means telling him exactly what I want for Christmas, our anniversaries, and chores around the house.

Some conventional wisdom says that that stance is unromantic, that he should know what I want, that I’m never going to be surprised. And I suppose there’s some truth in that.

But having him guess what I want is setting him up for failure and me up for disappointment. He’s honestly very grateful that I don’t make him guess.

But our primary romantic relationships are not the only place that we need to tell people what we want or expect. It’s ALL relationships – with our children, our friends, and most of all, with our coworkers.

Integrity is not only telling the truth, it’s also being clear about what you need, want, and expect from the people around you.

When we’re ambiguous or coy about our expectations, we only confuse the people who are trying to please us. Or worse, we make them feel like they can never win.

So, why do we do it?

1. Cultural norms often tell women (and sometimes men) that they shouldn’t ask for what they want. I know my father was absolutely appalled when I asked my boss for what I wanted. Go figure!
2. We make the assumption that our expectations are “normal” and everyone should know them. Not consciously, usually, but it’s natural to assume that others think the way we do. They don’t.
3. We think we’re being clear when we aren’t. Again, we communicate something that seems obvious to us but may not be obvious to our listeners. I find this in my writing all the time. I know what I’m talking about, but I need to be sure to add enough detail that others do too. That’s why it’s good to have an editor or extra set of eyes… and why it’s important to encourage others to ask us if they are unclear about our meaning.
4. We’re so busy that we don’t take the time to be super clear. It’s an effort. One that can easily be lost in our busyness.

Integrity requires us to be honest with ourselves and communicate honestly and openly with those around us. Including what we need and want. That’s how we stay whole… and how we support others in staying whole, too.

It’s easy to assume that we’ve been clear, but I’d encourage you to double-check. Because other people make assumptions, too. J